First off, I am not looking for anything here... just kind of blabbing.
I am not good at sharing. Especially friends.
From the time I can remember, I have consistently had one BEST friend at a time. I think I do this because I hate to be left out. When I find out my friends are out gallivanting around with other people, it kind of makes me sad.
I know I am grown woman, but, sadly, this still occurs.
When we lived in Montana, my friend Jill and I would always meet a couple times a week to go hiking up the local state park.... when Jill went with other people, I admit, I was jealous.
I was her hiking friend.
And then Jill moved. And I imagine that Jill was jealous (somewhat? maybe?) every time she heard that I went hiking up our hill with someone else.
And then I moved. And my second hiking partner, Becca, hikes up that hill with other people.
And I am still jealous and sad every time I hear about it.
Is this human nature?
Do we always want to be first and foremost on as many peoples lists as possible?
Why is it so hard to be content with your relationships ALL the time, and know where you stand?
Here in Texas, I have made many good friends. But because of kids and husbands, we don't meet up as often as I would like.
And when I hear that they are hanging out together with out me, I get a little sad.
I think it is mostly because when I am invited to hang out with MORE than one person, I wonder if they are inviting me because they think I will find out and they don't want to hurt my feelings. Or do they genuinely like me? This is so hard for me to figure out.
I shouldn't really worry about stuff like this. I am likeable enough. Sometimes I talk too much, but mostly I am a good friend, I think.
But I am a born worrier. About everything.
Meeting my two friends from the Navy, Bianca and Traci, down in Austin, the same thing occurs. We three (four if we are serious here...) were friends together while stationed in Texas years ago. We have all worked at maintaining the friendships; going to each others weddings, visiting hometowns, etc... but still I wonder if they still like me, in all my mama glory (they don't have kids) or do they think I am boring and have changed since my wild and crazy days. Well, of course I have changed, but I mean ... you know, do they still like me? For me?
Why is everything so complicated and in need of explanation?
I guess that is just life.
No matter where you are, who you are, who people think you are; life happens. Relationships change and start and finish and continue, either for better or for worse.
(I told you I was babbling here)
Back in grade school, I was good friends with a girl in first grade, Brittany. I remember that after I got hit by a car and was in a wheelchair, everyone wanted to be my friend and push me in my wheelchair. And I would choose a different friend everyday to push my chair. Not just Brittany. The novelty of being popular, even for a first grader in a wheelchair, made that friendship line grey instead of black and white.
Do you remember grades in school by your best friends at the time?
I think I do for the most part :)
I don't know, but it is sad how friendships kind of go up and down.
(wow, I am really rambling now)
I wonder if those same friends who I considered my BEST friends then considered me theirs?
Facebook makes it easy to stay in contact with these people, but do they remember all the good times you had together? Or is it merely "All in your head?"
Enough.. I will leave well enough alone.
I hope to continue my craziness at another time and place.
For now, I will drink my beer, and contemplate life and all its complexities.
