Wednesday, March 28, 2012


First off, I am not looking for anything here... just kind of blabbing.

I am not good at sharing. Especially friends.
From the time I can remember, I have consistently had one BEST friend at a time. I think I do this because I hate to be left out. When I find out my friends are out gallivanting around with other people, it kind of makes me sad.
I know I am grown woman, but, sadly, this still occurs.

When we lived in Montana, my friend Jill and I would always meet a couple times a week to go hiking up the local state park.... when Jill went with other people, I admit, I was jealous.
I was her hiking friend.
And then Jill moved. And I imagine that Jill was jealous (somewhat? maybe?) every time she heard that I went hiking up our hill with someone else.
And then I moved. And my second hiking partner, Becca, hikes up that hill with other people.
And I am still jealous and sad every time I hear about it.
Is this human nature?
Do we always want to be first and foremost on as many peoples lists as possible?
Why is it so hard to be content with your relationships ALL the time, and know where you stand?

Here in Texas, I have made many good friends. But because of kids and husbands, we don't meet up as often as I would like.
And when I hear that they are hanging out together with out me, I get a little sad.
I think it is mostly because when I am invited to hang out with MORE than one person, I wonder if they are inviting me because they think I will find out and they don't want to hurt my feelings. Or do they genuinely like me? This is so hard for me to figure out.
I shouldn't really worry about stuff like this. I am likeable enough. Sometimes I talk too much, but mostly I am a good friend, I think.
But I am a born worrier. About everything.

Meeting my two friends from the Navy, Bianca and Traci, down in Austin, the same thing occurs. We three (four if we are serious here...) were friends together while stationed in Texas years ago. We have all worked at maintaining the friendships; going to each others weddings, visiting hometowns, etc... but still I wonder if they still like me, in all my mama glory (they don't have kids) or do they think I am boring and have changed since my wild and crazy days. Well, of course I have changed, but I mean ... you know, do they still like me? For me?
Why is everything so complicated and in need of explanation?
I guess that is just life.
No matter where you are, who you are, who people think you are; life happens. Relationships change and start and finish and continue, either for better or for worse.
(I told you I was babbling here)

Back in grade school, I was good friends with a girl in first grade, Brittany. I remember that after I got hit by a car and was in a wheelchair, everyone wanted to be my friend and push me in my wheelchair. And I would choose a different friend everyday to push my chair. Not just Brittany. The novelty of being popular, even for a first grader in a wheelchair, made that friendship line grey instead of black and white.
Do you remember grades in school by your best friends at the time?
I think I do for the most part :)
I don't know, but it is sad how friendships kind of go up and down.
(wow, I am really rambling now)

I wonder if those same friends who I considered my BEST friends then considered me theirs?
Facebook makes it easy to stay in contact with these people, but do they remember all the good times you had together? Or is it merely "All in your head?"

Enough.. I will leave well enough alone.
I hope to continue my craziness at another time and place.
For now, I will drink my beer, and contemplate life and all its complexities.


Annie said...

Sigh. I'm so glad you put this into words and were willing to be so transparent. Funny thing, I get sad when you and Traci are gallivanting too. :D
Is it insecurity? Loneliness? Or maybe our desire to be everything to everyone? I want to be loved, maybe even adored like Princess Di. The love of a spouse is enduring and deep, but the times shared with great friends seem to punctuate/define our lives.
There is probably no solution to our condition, except Facebook. Ha!
But I think is endearing that you are loyal to your friends, despite all that you have going on in your life. Traci and Bianca and Jill, etc. love that about you. And they miss you too, I'll bet.
I'm sad that I didn't hang out with you more. :)

Brooke said...

I'm sad we didn't hang out more too Annie!
Your right about friends being different than spouses. Tyler is my best friend, but I've found I need girlfriends too.
Here's to being adored!

aebhlin said...

Brooke - even though we didn't spend a ton of time together, I STILL think about you often and remember the times we went for walks with our wee babes and the time we went for a beer and listened to music in your car - OMG - that sounds like a date! HAHHA! Seriously though, you were very special and important to me at that time in my life (and still are, since I subscribe to your blog)- and I know if we ever were in the same city, you would be again. I can't say that about many people, so maybe THAT could be and alternative definition of BEST Friends. And for the record, I often have the same weird, seemingly immature feelings and thoughts about wanting to be number one with as many folks as possible...not sure why or where it comes from, but know that you are not alone it feeling those things.

Pam said...

Brooke, no matter how old you get you will never have as many friends as you could possibly keep up with! I admire you so much because you keep your friends in your life, no matter that you are married and have children! That is the way you should be. You're a very caring person that wants to do everything possible in life and that is an awesome thing. Be proud of yourself, I am very proud of you and your family! I love you and I love my grandchildren (just wish I could see them more and spoil them!) Tyler is an exceptional young man. You both belong to each other!

Erica said...

I talk about this with Ben all the time. It makes me feel better that I am not the only one with these feelings. Ben says for me it is because I didn't have a ton of close friends growing up and I want to have that now that I'm old. I always take it personally when my friends hang out without me. Will we every get over this insecurity? It really drives me crazy, because one part of my brain says it is nothing to do with me and the other side says it has everything to do with me. Ugh, the emotions of being a girl...

Brooke said...

It is so funny... I went back and forth on writing this post, because it is so personal... but I often wonder what is the matter with me! Just kidding!
I am glad to know I am not the only one with these crazy ideas.
Really, you guys have no idea what your comments mean to me. I am sitting here with tears running down my cheeks...
Eileen, that does kind of sound like a date! And I totally remember it! I was so GLAD to know you in North Carolina... and hopefully we will cross paths again!
Mom, thanks. It means a lot!
Erica...I am in totally agree with you! These emotions are totally crazy! But always remember, it isn't just you :)

Anonymous said...

Brooke just so you know...every time I hike up Lone Pine (lately by myself it seems) I wish you were here to go with me! I'm so thankful for your friendship, both while you were here in MT and now even though its different and distant. You are a wonderful inspiring friend..and I can't wait to see you in Idaho:)
love, Becca

Brooke said...

I miss you Becca! I wish I was climbing Lone Pine with you ... OFTEN! I need it definitely!
When I think of my favorite places that I have been... Lone Pine is in my top 5. And I know it isn't the place, it is the memories made with friends like you and Jill.

Thanks for your sweet words :)